burger chute

Dead bird found with packet of Beechams cold comfort powders

2006-04-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well I'm certain that this news will be reported in an unsensational, sober and mature fashion by all our great media outlets.

Bird flu confirmed in dead swan

So, with that in mind let me be the first to say;

"We're all about to die!!!"

Enjoy the rest of your (short) life.

Yeah, 'cause you'd never expect to find a bully in the army!

2006-03-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

I find it depressingly obvious what happened here.

Army four 'not bullied to death'

Not because I have any experience of Soldiering - other than being the son of a Soldier, but because like everyone else I've been to school, and have seen first hand how one persons bit of fun can be another’s life of misery - multiple that by 1000 and add the pressure of a Military environment in which it is exceptionally difficult to escape and you have the sad fate of these children.

And that is what they are, kids. The eldest was Sean Benton who was 20.

Surely these aren't just coincidences? - Was this some form of institutionalised bullying - maybe low level and unpronounced, but something which drove these kids to kill themselves?

The Army has always been unwilling to look closely at itself, presumably because you cannot realistically expect to produce a unified killing force if they are constantly having group hugs. But, when recruits feel the only way out of harsh training regime is to kill themselves then something really is seriously wrong.

But they'll never take our PSP's and our spliffs!

2006-03-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

Honestly makes you wonder exactly what it would take for our own Students and general yoof to mount similar protests.

French protesters rally against labour law

Here is what I think the top 5 things are that might help prompt our own kids to take to the street in protest;

1. Cancelling Hollyoaks.
2. Clamping kids that 'hang-out' on street corners and in bus shelters menacing the old with cutting comments like, "You're old" and "You smell of piss", (Which they do).
3. Making all kids dress differently.
4. Banning students from constantly getting drunk, trampling people flowers, throwing up in their gardens, leaving take-away containers everywhere, playing music until 4am every night AND thinking they are the first kids that have EVER done this.
5. Tell kids they absolutely are forbidden to protest in the street.

Actually, as for no.5 most of them would just say, "I didn't want to do it anyway" and continue to get stoned whilst listening to drum'n'bass and playing Call of Duty (in a completely unironic way). Although from within the darkened confines of their hoodies it is more likely to sound like; "Ey dinun wanna do't anyways"

Bloody kids aye? Don't know they're born.

Just like me when I was their age - feckless, arrogant, insolent, lazy and self-obsessed. I'm getting all teary just thinking about it.

No Christians may die! But if you're Muslim you're fucked.

2006-03-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

There has been outrage in US recently with the story of Christian convert Abdul Rahman who was (under the interpretation of Islamic Sharia law on which Afghanistan's constitution is based) facing the death penalty unless he reconverted back to Islam.

Mood hardens against Afghan convert - BBC

Pres Bush, the big religious nutbag himself declared this a barbaric situation and demanded that all people have the right to religious freedom, which I also agree with, but I can't help feeling that what he actually meant was that Christians are entitled to whatever they want - just like him.

Because lets face it, as Commander in Chief of the occupation of the nation of Iraq he doesn't seem to care that much for all these non-Christians being killed at an estimated rate of 30 a day. Surely being blown to bits or shot to shit can also been seen to be impinging on ones right to life and freedom and that, unless it's the freedom to get an American bullet up the jacksey. Ain't it? Or am I crazy.

Funny how circa 100,000 civilian deaths in the cause of freedom can be misinterpreted by weak minded liberals - you can't make an oil omelette without breaking a fews civi's

Anyway, the death toll rises and rises and once again the US government plays slight of hand distracting the largely gullible West with, "Don't look at the wide spread chaos and civil war we have caused with our venile desires - look here instead at this easy to understand 'movie of the day'esque one mans struggle against the system, and a Christian man at that".

And shamefully even the British media have been getting in on the act, promoting the story of Mr Rahman (Christian 1: Islam 0) over the 3 years of horror from Iraq - but lets face it - there's only so much bad news you can report from there right?

And here kids is how to turn murder, death and violence into a flag waving, back slapping triumph easy to digest and understand for the GTA generation.

Faith restored - slightly...

2006-03-26T13:29:00.000-08:00

I like films. I was fetched up watching flicks from an early age, in fact my earliest happy memories all surround going to the cinema.

But, over the years I have grown increasingly tired of Hollywood films - not necessarily American movies because there are still great indies being made, just not in Hollywood. Sure a couple of goodies slip through now and again, but with the current trend for badly adapting comics and/ or appallingly remaking anything in sight that has a title that comes with a built in audience, I'm at the point of giving up on 'big' movies altogether.

That is why I'm quite interested, nay excited by this latest 'high concept' auctioneer - Snake on a plane.

It's sooo high concept the pitch is the name of the film

SNAKES ON A PLANE! - no confusion about what the core idea of this film is.

Sam Jackson who stars, claims he only signed on because of the title, and almost quit when the title was under threat (Suffice to say they kept the name), and this latest news - here seals the deal.

They've gone back to make the rating HIGHER! This almost never happens. More death, more nudity and more snakes!!

The best thing though is that they have added a line of Jackson dialogue which was demanded by the geeks -

"I want these motherfuckin' snakes off the motherfuckin' plane!" - Genius.

Of course, as a marketing grunt I'm aware that this is all hype bullshit, and the studio are simply drip feeding us these nuggets like crack whores strung along by their pimps. But fuck it, with shit this good we'll turn tricks with a smile on our faces.

Bad uncle

2006-03-24T14:02:00.000-08:00

I'm literally the worst.

My nephew Miles (2 of 2) turned 13 sometime this week - I completely forgot.

My mother called today to tell me this, followed by my sister, and still I have yet to wish him a happy birthday or give him a present or anything.

It's not that I don't like the little tyke, he's okay and that - and not the most annoying kid in the world (although he does his best to compete for that title), it's just I am tired from over working, I still have a bad back, I'm totally skint from having taken a massive pay drop in an attempt to career adjust and I'm horribly selfish.

So there you see, it's not really my fault.

Trouble is, this is the 2nd year in a row I've done this.

But I'm not a terrible uncle - it's not like I beat him, or steal his things to buy crack or touch him in private places when his mums not looking. In fact set against this criteria I'm quite a decent uncle.

I play computer games with him (I never let the little shit win though - I don't want him to get an unrealistic sense of competition), I've introduced him to the best comics, the best films the best music.

I'm a cool old uncle.

Well, at least I reckon I am.

And, I haven't got any kids of my own so even though he's now a teen, he's the only kid I have anytime for.

How good an uncle am I?

Kember is released in FINALLY a goodish news story from Iraq

2006-03-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

I love the way this has been reported -

In particular this is from the Guardian website here

"Straw delighted with happy ending...." HA.

Right, so this peace activist goes to an illegally invaded country which is so unstabble now due to the ham-fisted post invasion plan that it's being literally torn apart through civil war with 30+ civilians being killed everyday (not that anyone is keeping a proper record mind, the civilians aren't anyone important like say. soldiers or insurgents), he goes with a message of peace, is kidnapped, threatened with death day in day out for months, has a much younger American colleague Tom Fox murdered by the hostage takers, and is finally rescued by soldiers working on intelligence which although well directed in this instance, would have been far more useful say... I don't know, three years ago when they were;

a. pretending to look for WMD's
b. finished invading and looking to rebuild iraq

And Jack Straw is delighted this is a happpy ending.

Yes, it's a happy ending for Mr Kembers family, friends and of course himself. It's a pathetic attempt to polish a weeping puss filled sore for everyone else.

All shopping centres are the focus of terrorists.

2006-03-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

The real terrorists being those that build these things to drive as hard as possible pointless over consumption which is actively encouraged by a Government that sits in the pockets of said monied groups and corporations. (A disgraced Government that happily trades cash for privilege and political power in a disgusting act of anti-democracy).

In a former job life I spent quite a bit of time in various Shopping Centres up and down this grey isle and take it from me, every single one is fucking depressing.

Viddy well oh my brothers and sisters, viddy well.

And Bluewater, which is not the worst, is definitely up there with the worst. (MeadowHELL, Sheffield).

I say bomb them, bomb them all - tie the MDs, FDs and CEOs of the property management agencies and big land companies that own these hideous constructions which are nothing more than mindless soulless monuments to the power of profit and consumerism onto a couple of the screwed down pink plastic seats in the fat and salt food courts and push the button.

BlammmOOO!!.

At least in this scenario no innocent life will be lost.

It was reported that one of suspects in this foiled attack Mr Akbar, had commented when it was suggested they pick an alternative target,

"The biggest nightclub in central London, no one can put their hands up and say they are innocent - those slags dancing around."

Oi oi - sounds like a bit of sour grapes there Mr Akbar, or should that be Mr Morrissey with some semtex.

"There's a club if you'd like to go; you could meet someone who really loves you. So you go and you stand on your own and you leave on your own, and you go home and you plan an act of terrorism".

Doesn't quite have the same ring.

Just a backache after all.

2006-03-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I've stopped work on my will for the moment, seeing as how I have now solicited a medical opinion on my back issues.

Last night was bad, very bad. My back hurt very much, and no matter which way I lay the pain was intense. I slept very little. In the morning I decided enough was enough and I would endure a trip to the health centre.

Finally got an appointment at the health centre for 11.30am, which is madness seeing as how I called up 30 seconds after the phone lines opened.

Anyway, got down to the health centre and sat amongst all the fat/ elderly/ pregnant/ smelly/ unemployed/ retard/ misc which made me feel;

a. depressed
b. not so ill after all

Doc Ashley saw me at 12.15pm (45 minutes waiting and watching all the fat/ elderly/ pregnant/ smelly/ unemployed/ retard get called in before me, despite turning up 20/ 30 minutes after me).

The Doc immediately diagnosed me as not having anything wrong other than a pulled muscle and an apparent extreme low tolerance for pain - too right mate!

Oh, and he did that classic thing that Doctors now routinely do in the mistaken belief that we will interpret the question as the Doctor working 'with us' to make us better, rather than just acting like God, which they are more used to doing.

"So, what do you think is wrong with you?", Dr Ashley asked.

"Well to be honest Doc, without 5 years of medical training I must admit I don't feel entirely qualified to answer that question. However, I was rather hoping that, what with YOU BEING A FUCKING DOCTOR, you could tell me what was wrong."

To which he replied - "HYPO...!"

Although he dressed it up as 'nothing seriously wrong'.

When I finally got to work told boss I had back cancer, and left it at that.

Back still hurts though, so have self administered;

a. Ibuprofen
b. Deep Heat
c. Dairy Milk (Cadburys)
d. Judge Dredd comics from the attic (comfort reading)
e. Hour 14 season 5 of 24

I just hope I'm strong enough to make it through the night.

I know why you don't like it...

2006-03-20T10:35:00.000-08:00

but I still love it.

Radio 4 is quite possibly the single greatest cultural achievement of my homeland The United Kingdom. (The 2nd being Bod).

There have been and still are many great programmes aired on Radio 4 each and everyday but Quote Unquote isn't one of them.

This smuggathon has being going for 30 years now. Started by that total tit Nigel Rees, the fella who wrote all those tedious Graffiti books you had as a kid (Atleast I think it's the same tit), Quote Unquote basically has a bunch of smug 'well read' fuckers guessing various quotes from a bunch of arcane and totally tedious books.

Leonard Smugsworth, who wrote; "I've never seen so many squished birds in all my life. Stupid friggin' animals"?

Nigel, I once met the young lady who wrote those elegant words at an event in the North of England, she was quite breath taking in her directness. It is of course Tina Cakesniffer, from the renowned Cakesniffers Beware!

The worst part of this radio show is where each of the sooooooo drenched with middle-classness it hangs off them like the smell of Lynx hangs off a spotty teenage boy and thirty year old programmer, is asked to give their favourite quote on a particularly dull topic.

Tasqalla Jenkins-Hyde, your favourite witty comeback quotes. It is inevitably some dreadfully lame and unoriginal quote - usually by Wilde or the like. Sometimes it's a Shakespeare line and occasionally, if the person is 'youth' enough (under the age of 40) it's from the Simpsons.

Herge Smith, your favourite witty comeback quote please;

Well Nigel, my quote hails from that genre bending 1980's film from the eccentric British director Alexander Cox. Harry Dean Stanton, the very epitome of American Independent Movie cool asks the passing Emilio Estevez, who was never better than in this film, Repo Man;

"Hey Kid, wanna earn 10 bucks?"

To which the acidic Otto, played with brash youthfulness by Estevez responds with hilariously curtness;

"Fuck you, Queer!".

Amen to that Emilio.

Praise be - finally some good news for YOU PUNY HUMANS!!

2006-03-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

Read it here meat bags

After being cancelled about 2 or 3 years ago finally it's back.

Don't know how or why it's back, I'm just chuffed that it is. Futurama was the best and funniest cartoon on TV and surpassed The Simpsons with stories which were often touching but most coherent, something The Simpsons left behind years ago.

And if you don't agree you are more than welcome to bite my shiney metal ass.

When is it backache and when is it kidney failure?

2006-03-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

'Cause I'm chugging down the water and the Nurofen like they're going out of fashion and this bastard pain in my back isn't shifting - and I'm on day 5 here.

Thing is, I hardly suffer from stuff, and everytime I get the slightest twitch I assume that that is it, that is a pain that will either stay with me until I die, or be a pain that grows and grows and becomes cancer and kills me.

Mind you, being hunched over the keyboard right now probably isn't helping things.

Apparently ten quid gets me squat!

2006-03-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

But if I was to donate a million quid, or even lend the Labour party some dosh I could have bagged myself a fancy shmancy peerage, a seat in the house of Lords and a real say in how the Country is run. (More so than the *yawn* fanciful notion that my badly scrawled 'x' on Election Day means I'm making a difference).

But the thing is I could only spare a tenner, the rest of my preposterously low income being spent on Sky TV, Chicken Tikka Masala, Fags, The Daily Mail, a new Kappa trackie and a couple of pints in the Mutilated Child on Friday night with my equally poorly educated, right wing, racist, sexist, reactionary, lower middle class scumbag friends who all like me support barely repressed yet overwhelming senses of worthlessness and a high degree of sexual dysfunction.

So, apparently ten quid gets me fuck all, not even the title Baron Herge Smith, which would have been more than lovely.

I did donate my ten notes on the QT but I have now rightfully notified the former Whitehall Mandarin Sir Hayden Phillips, so it's only really £13,999,990.00 that can claimed to be secret donations to the Labour party.

Guardian article here

Is anyone really shocked by this? If you back a political party with a huge wedge of dosh you can at least expect some favours in the future, can't you?

Isn't that the point of capitalism? You pay for the good service you get. And as Patty Hewitt Health Sec said on Radio 4's 'Today' show this morning;

'Those people who fund political parties should be seen as "doing a public service for our democracy", not treated with suspicion and disdain'

See - here's the service you get for a generous 'long-term' loan of some dosh you had lying around under one of your least favourite ivory backscratchers - Pat Hewitt and her chums, the nouveau Tories neé socialist defending you to the hilt, despite it all sounding horribly dodgy.

That's what I call great service.

Trouble is, this story really only matters to the intelligentsia, the thinking media and probably some 'professional' types give a shite.

Certainly us little people outside this minority don't really care - all my co-grunts in the chattering daily grind have more important things to think about like diets, pets, babies, weddings, what we had for tea, what we'll have for tea, who Helen in Sales in currently rutting and what we are doing this weekend.

Which in my case is not much, tar very.

Why is Morrissey more important to me than God?

2006-03-16T14:41:00.000-08:00

1. I really like The Smiths album 'The Queen is Dead' and Morrissey's 'Kill Uncle' - I am not such a big fan God's book, in particular Deuteronomy, Zechariah or Galatians, although Ezra is a hoot but it's nowhere near as touching as 'Girlfriend in a coma', or as joyous as 'Hand in Glove'.

2. The Bible may be helpful on a dreary weekend, but only Morrissey truly understands that everyday is like Sunday.

3. Nothing, but nothing sounds like the guitar on 'How soon is now?', not even the word 'God' that was in the beginning and that.

4. Jesus may have asked his father to forgive us, but only when Morrissey said he'd forgiven Jesus did anyone really listen.

5. The Bible has some nice lines in it like, 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox', but nothing in it can compare even one iota to, 'I crashed down on the crossbar and the pain was enough to make a shy, bald Buddhist reflect and plan a mass-murder.'

6. For many years I only had faith to propel my belief in Morrissey, and then I saw him to be real and my faith was rewarded with a medley of 'What difference does it make?', 'Reel around the fountain' and 'How soon is now?'.

7. I don't believe in the supernatural or the possibility of The Smiths reforming. We just have to grow up as a species and accept Moz and Marr will never be together again.

So I took the pills and took the money...

2006-03-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

...and hang the consequences, right? 'Cause bad things like adverse life threatening reactions to a clinical drugs trial only happen on TV shows and in the movies.

In fact, if this had happened in the movies the two poor bastards currently on the 'no hope in hell' list would suddenly rise phoenix like (or butterflyesq depending on your preferred metaphor) to become some sort of meta-human - or evil meta-human villain, which would then require a prior, secretly tested third subject to defeat them in a pyrotechnic and wire-fu showdown.

But this is ain't the movies and as one of the two fella's girlfriend described the situation;

"His face had swollen up making 'im look the Elephant Man".

Which is a tad unfair to the Elephant Man, who was sadly born deformed - he didn't end up looking a mess 'cause he tried to make a quick bob from what he incorrectly assumed would be a piece of piss 'pill and dosh' job.

Anyway, better these two stupid buggers than a couple of rats; a much maligned creature who rarely if ever willingly engages in dangerous activities for financial gain.

Read about it before they snuff it.