burger chute

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Dead bird found with packet of Beechams cold comfort powders

Well I'm certain that this news will be reported in an unsensational, sober and mature fashion by all our great media outlets.

Bird flu confirmed in dead swan

So, with that in mind let me be the first to say;

"We're all about to die!!!"

Enjoy the rest of your (short) life.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Yeah, 'cause you'd never expect to find a bully in the army!

I find it depressingly obvious what happened here.

Army four 'not bullied to death'

Not because I have any experience of Soldiering - other than being the son of a Soldier, but because like everyone else I've been to school, and have seen first hand how one persons bit of fun can be another’s life of misery - multiple that by 1000 and add the pressure of a Military environment in which it is exceptionally difficult to escape and you have the sad fate of these children.

And that is what they are, kids. The eldest was Sean Benton who was 20.

Surely these aren't just coincidences? - Was this some form of institutionalised bullying - maybe low level and unpronounced, but something which drove these kids to kill themselves?

The Army has always been unwilling to look closely at itself, presumably because you cannot realistically expect to produce a unified killing force if they are constantly having group hugs. But, when recruits feel the only way out of harsh training regime is to kill themselves then something really is seriously wrong.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

But they'll never take our PSP's and our spliffs!

Honestly makes you wonder exactly what it would take for our own Students and general yoof to mount similar protests.

French protesters rally against labour law

Here is what I think the top 5 things are that might help prompt our own kids to take to the street in protest;

1. Cancelling Hollyoaks.
2. Clamping kids that 'hang-out' on street corners and in bus shelters menacing the old with cutting comments like, "You're old" and "You smell of piss", (Which they do).
3. Making all kids dress differently.
4. Banning students from constantly getting drunk, trampling people flowers, throwing up in their gardens, leaving take-away containers everywhere, playing music until 4am every night AND thinking they are the first kids that have EVER done this.
5. Tell kids they absolutely are forbidden to protest in the street.

Actually, as for no.5 most of them would just say, "I didn't want to do it anyway" and continue to get stoned whilst listening to drum'n'bass and playing Call of Duty (in a completely unironic way). Although from within the darkened confines of their hoodies it is more likely to sound like; "Ey dinun wanna do't anyways"

Bloody kids aye? Don't know they're born.

Just like me when I was their age - feckless, arrogant, insolent, lazy and self-obsessed. I'm getting all teary just thinking about it.

Monday, March 27, 2006

No Christians may die! But if you're Muslim you're fucked.

There has been outrage in US recently with the story of Christian convert Abdul Rahman who was (under the interpretation of Islamic Sharia law on which Afghanistan's constitution is based) facing the death penalty unless he reconverted back to Islam.

Mood hardens against Afghan convert - BBC

Pres Bush, the big religious nutbag himself declared this a barbaric situation and demanded that all people have the right to religious freedom, which I also agree with, but I can't help feeling that what he actually meant was that Christians are entitled to whatever they want - just like him.

Because lets face it, as Commander in Chief of the occupation of the nation of Iraq he doesn't seem to care that much for all these non-Christians being killed at an estimated rate of 30 a day. Surely being blown to bits or shot to shit can also been seen to be impinging on ones right to life and freedom and that, unless it's the freedom to get an American bullet up the jacksey. Ain't it? Or am I crazy.

Funny how circa 100,000 civilian deaths in the cause of freedom can be misinterpreted by weak minded liberals - you can't make an oil omelette without breaking a fews civi's

Anyway, the death toll rises and rises and once again the US government plays slight of hand distracting the largely gullible West with, "Don't look at the wide spread chaos and civil war we have caused with our venile desires - look here instead at this easy to understand 'movie of the day'esque one mans struggle against the system, and a Christian man at that".

And shamefully even the British media have been getting in on the act, promoting the story of Mr Rahman (Christian 1: Islam 0) over the 3 years of horror from Iraq - but lets face it - there's only so much bad news you can report from there right?

And here kids is how to turn murder, death and violence into a flag waving, back slapping triumph easy to digest and understand for the GTA generation.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Faith restored - slightly...

I like films. I was fetched up watching flicks from an early age, in fact my earliest happy memories all surround going to the cinema.

But, over the years I have grown increasingly tired of Hollywood films - not necessarily American movies because there are still great indies being made, just not in Hollywood. Sure a couple of goodies slip through now and again, but with the current trend for badly adapting comics and/ or appallingly remaking anything in sight that has a title that comes with a built in audience, I'm at the point of giving up on 'big' movies altogether.

That is why I'm quite interested, nay excited by this latest 'high concept' auctioneer - Snake on a plane.

It's sooo high concept the pitch is the name of the film

SNAKES ON A PLANE! - no confusion about what the core idea of this film is.

Sam Jackson who stars, claims he only signed on because of the title, and almost quit when the title was under threat (Suffice to say they kept the name), and this latest news -
here seals the deal.

They've gone back to make the rating HIGHER! This almost never happens. More death, more nudity and more snakes!!

The best thing though is that they have added a line of Jackson dialogue which was demanded by the geeks -

"I want these motherfuckin' snakes off the motherfuckin' plane!" - Genius.

Of course, as a marketing grunt I'm aware that this is all hype bullshit, and the studio are simply drip feeding us these nuggets like crack whores strung along by their pimps. But fuck it, with shit this good we'll turn tricks with a smile on our faces.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Bad uncle

I'm literally the worst.

My nephew Miles (2 of 2) turned 13 sometime this week - I completely forgot.

My mother called today to tell me this, followed by my sister, and still I have yet to wish him a happy birthday or give him a present or anything.

It's not that I don't like the little tyke, he's okay and that - and not the most annoying kid in the world (although he does his best to compete for that title), it's just I am tired from over working, I still have a bad back, I'm totally skint from having taken a massive pay drop in an attempt to career adjust and I'm horribly selfish.

So there you see, it's not really my fault.

Trouble is, this is the 2nd year in a row I've done this.

But I'm not a terrible uncle - it's not like I beat him, or steal his things to buy crack or touch him in private places when his mums not looking. In fact set against this criteria I'm quite a decent uncle.

I play computer games with him (I never let the little shit win though - I don't want him to get an unrealistic sense of competition), I've introduced him to the best comics, the best films the best music.

I'm a cool old uncle.

Well, at least I reckon I am.

And, I haven't got any kids of my own so even though he's now a teen, he's the only kid I have anytime for.

How good an uncle am I?

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Kember is released in *FINALLY* a goodish news story from Iraq

I love the way this has been reported -

In particular this is from the Guardian website here

"Straw delighted with happy ending...." HA.

Right, so this peace activist goes to an illegally invaded country which is so unstabble now due to the ham-fisted post invasion plan that it's being literally torn apart through civil war with 30+ civilians being killed everyday (not that anyone is keeping a proper record mind, the civilians aren't anyone important like say. soldiers or insurgents), he goes with a message of peace, is kidnapped, threatened with death day in day out for months, has a much younger American colleague Tom Fox murdered by the hostage takers, and is finally rescued by soldiers working on intelligence which although well directed in this instance, would have been far more useful say... I don't know, three years ago when they were;

a. pretending to look for WMD's
b. finished invading and looking to rebuild iraq

And Jack Straw is delighted this is a happpy ending.

Yes, it's a happy ending for Mr Kembers family, friends and of course himself. It's a pathetic attempt to polish a weeping puss filled sore for everyone else.